


all for you

by infinitely_merthur



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Canon Universe, M/M, Pining, i dont know what else to tag merlin is in pain ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 11:48:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19829566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitely_merthur/pseuds/infinitely_merthur
Summary: Why did he love a man who clearly did not care about him?





	all for you

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh i wrote this real quick. kind of.
> 
> i tried.

Footsteps echoed through the hall. Heavy breathing could be heard but it was not loud enough to wake up the entire kingdom. Hands roamed the walls with uncertainty, trembling as he tried to hold on to the edge of the cliff, refusing to let go even when his hands were slipping and his head was hurting and his heart was aching. His feet hurt from the long walk; his head was throbbing from the countless of sleepless nights from the past week. But he could not sleep.

Merlin’s hands were rough. His feet were weak and he’s afraid he’ll collapse but no, he would not, could not.

He wasn’t sleep walking, because if he were he wouldn’t be this hollow.

It was ten years ago when he first arrived in Camelot. Ten years ago his life was simple. He was with his mother in Ealdor, away from this kingdom and this lifestyle. But then his mother suggested he go to Camelot and stay with a friend, Gaius. She said it would be safer, and he believed her. He believed many things ten years ago. He wished he had said no and refused to leave. If he hadn’t said yes he would have never known he was Emrys. He would have never met Kilgharrah or Morgana or Gwen. He would have never met Arthur and spend ten years of his life protecting him and the entire kingdom. Merlin had begun dedicating his entire existence to Arthur; saving him from Morgana while trying to hide his magic; going days without any sleep because he was worried the newcomer is out to get Arthur (and usually, Merlin was right); almost getting killed numerous times; falling weak because he used too much of his magic to save Arthur.

It’s all about Arthur. Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

Merlin hates Arthur. Or at least, he wants to. He should, shouldn’t he?

Arthur who gets all the credit for everything Merlin solves; Arthur who Merlin has to protect; Arthur who treats Merlin like dirt, insulting him everyday without feeling guilt; Arthur who Merlin has to take care of  _ all the time _ because that’s his destiny. Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.

But that’s also why Merlin can’t bring himself to hate his king. He’s so much more than Arthur Pendragon. He’s an honest man who relies too much on other’s thoughts and opinions, even if they may be wrong in the king’s eyes, but values them nevertheless. Arthur who trusts anyone without a second thought. Arthur who stood up for Merlin, Hunith, the citizens, the kingdom, when Uther did not even think about them. Open-minded Arthur who would do anything to help anyone. Kind hearted, strong, caring – Arthur, even with all his faults, was the good Merlin needed in his life. Arthur may not be able to see what Merlin had sacrificed for him, but no matter what Merlin cannot hate him.

Because he loves him.

And Merlin hates himself for it.

His legs began to wobble; he could not hold on to the walls to keep himself steady (his arms were too weak and his hands hurt. Everything hurt). He fell on the hard floor, bringing his knees close to his chest, and curled up in a ball. Inky tears leaked from his eyes. It was impossible to stop them so he let his tears flow down his cheeks. He cried until it hurt. He cried until he was sure his eyes were going to fall off. He let out an ear-shattering scream. He didn’t care if someone heard him – why would it matter? He only had Gaius to talk about this, and he was currently away, gathering herbs. His mom was far away. Lancelot knew, but he died. He sacrificed himself. And Will – oh, Will. He had to bite his bottom lip from screaming again – was gone. His best friend from childhood, the one who was always with him. The one who believed in him no matter what he did.

He could not tell anyone. Not Gwaine, not Gwen, not Leon – no one. The more people knew, the more danger they were in. And Arthur was certainly not an option.

Merlin felt the whole universe weighing on his shoulders. He tried to breathe through the ache in his chest, and failed to do so because it hurt. It all hurt. It would never stop hurting.

Merlin tried to stand up; his hands clawed the wall in an attempt on standing on his two feet. But it was useless. He was weak, had been growing weak for the past few years. It was out of his control at this point. He was stuck down there and no one would notice him. He realized he was beginning to shake violently. Not from cold because it was the middle of summer, but from sadness. Merlin barked out a laugh. He was in a pitiful state. He must look ridiculous!  _ What would Arthur say? _ he wondered. He knew, of course, what exactly Arthur would say. He would tell Merlin that he was being a girl; that he was crying for no reason; that real men don't cry. It only made Merlin want to cry more.

Why did he love a man who clearly did not care about him?

The thought only worsened the ache in his chest. His eyes grew tired from the heavy tears pooling down onto the floor. His whole body was trembling, he knew; his face was stained from his tears. Merlin would be walking around with puffy eyes in the morning, he knew, but he could not do anything to stop it. His emotions were too strong. And everything hurt.

The last thing he remembered before drifting off to sleep was a speck of messy golden hair and a pair of strong arms picking him up.


End file.
